“I took a deep dive into systemics, science criticism, and discourse, which dramatically shifted my perspective out of the matrix.”

Ever since my late teens, I had been engaging myself in spirituality, holistic philosophies, and energy healing. In my early twenties, I began studying both energy healing and ancient wisdom traditions through the art and philosophy of Jin Shin Jyutsu as well as holistic medicine. Combined with my interdisciplinary university studies in the fields of diversity sociology and cultural studies, I took a deep dive into the subjects of systemics, science criticism, power dynamics, and discourse, which dramatically shifted my perspective out of conventions and out of the matrix.

“What I had thought to be the logical consequence of my university studies turned out to be the thinking edge of something more, something unique.”

I soon realised that I took away different insights than my fellow students. What I had thought to be the logical consequence of my university studies alone turned out to be the thinking edge of something more, something unique. It was the intersection point of all the years of studying contradictory concepts and philosophies, antagonistic strands of thought. My mind began merging non-dual spirituality with dual sociology, dissecting the construction of science, truth, and norms, and weaving together my holistic knowledge of the body-mind-spirit-connection.

I would always manage to find a common ground of truth with the opposing concepts I juggled in and out of my studies. However, I had been secretly struggling to make that common ground my common practice.

“Personal development became a mountain I tried to climb.

Energy healing became both a refuge and a disappointment.”

While easily integrating new thoughts and concepts in my mind, I seemed to fail at my spiritual practice: I felt restless most the time, I was yearning for a purpose I couldn't pinpoint, and I invested hours upon hours of energy healing to self-help an inexplicable amount of chronic aches and pains. Still, I believed in the power of energy healing and spiritual practices and never questioned their potential. But because my reality couldn't support that belief, I eventually started questioning my own potential. Personal development became a mountain I tried to climb, energy healing became both a refuge and a disappointment. I found myself lagging behind both the shiny feel-good promises of modern spirituality as well as the peace of mind described by ancient wisdom traditions.

“It turned out that I’d been practicing at a disadvantage.”

It was years later, in May 2019, that two distinct things happened on the same day: I entered a stranger’s office with an unusual request. And I picked a new notebook to write down the knowledge downloads I had been getting for years for the first time.

It was only in hindsight of that day that I understood how my spiritual and energetic practices had been operating, working their magic behind the scenes, on a far deeper level, to start retrieving me from a numbness I didn't even know existed – and moving me closer to the life I had always been meant to live. It turned out that I’d been practicing at a disadvantage. That my version of normal life hadn't been normal. That not only had I been telling myself a fragmented story – I myself was fragmented.

“Today I know I can’t fail my practice, only my expectations.

I can’t fail my healing journey, only the choice of my narrative.”

I had to learn the hard way - by taking many detours - that we humans really do make sense. That all of our thoughts and feelings and patterns and yearnings are the logical result of our experience. That this understanding is the prerequisite for self-love and compassion, for personal growth and lasting identity updates. I learned that positivity-bypassing can not only be useless but detrimental - especially for people with trauma experience. Progress isn’t always pretty. And still it’s all part of the spiritual journey.

Today I know I can’t fail my practice, only my expectations. I can’t fail my healing journey, only the choice of my narrative. And I can’t fail my awakenings - I can only postpone their integration.

“I’ve come to understand that being occasionally awake is enough.”

I’ve had many different awakenings, big and small, over the past years. I’ve gotten used to looking for sparks, not perfection. For moments - not an eternity - of enlightenment. I allow myself to forget the wisdom of my ego awakenings, occasionally. To dwell in the melancholy that can follow a matrix awakening. To feel disconnected from my intuition every now and then. I’ve come to understand that being occasionally awake is enough. And not only is it enough - it’s a spiritual approach to life that frees us from the ego-driven, never-ending pursuit of personal improvement and simply lets us be what we all are: souls living the perfectly imperfect human experience.